My Favorite Game Is S**t

Solar Cloud

The Glue Factory's Cloud artist extraordinaire
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Never played FF6, but that sounds a helluva' lot like it.

And no...I'm actually a long, long-time fan. It makes it cut all the deeper, which is perfect for a topic like this (wherein I'm pretty sure the goal was to eviscerate our favorite games). I mean, who would actually think like this:

You are the KLUTZIEST girl in the galaxy. No matter how many damn times she finds all her belongings, she always loses them right at the start. Maybe if she wasn't such a freakin' mute she'd just be able to ask where they are (then again, maybe she's secretly an emotional wreck and it's a good thing she's generally quiet), or maybe even for some damn directions because she's always just wandering around aimlessly with no clue where to go next. Of course, since "shoot first, ask questions later" seems to be her staunch policy regarding the natives, that probably wouldn't work out either. She probably doesn't even have a license for that thing. To top it all off, she has the most bizarre maternal instincts when it comes to dangerous predators. It's probably for the best that the plot is so obtuse you actually have to scan for it amidst your surroundings; any actual story-telling effort from this franchise would probably be enough to make you want to curl up into a ball and explode.
An accurate description of Metroid.

You play as a weird cat thing with an obsession for big guns and fancy gadgets. His way of handling things is shoot first and ask questions later. He's also accompanied by a metal backpack that can mysteriously sprout legs and talk.
 

Solar Cloud

The Glue Factory's Cloud artist extraordinaire
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Feb 3, 2016
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Aww, come on. Where was the vitriol? The bile? The sheer distaste for every single moment of gameplay?

Ratchet and Clank deserve a better roast than that.
I am not the best at roasting things. Especially things I like. Is there an Egghead's Guide to Roasting?
 

Stridershy

The King Of Goat Style
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Local man goes around trying to find out who murdered his girlfriend, accidentally finds himself trying to stop the alternate evil side of the world from taking over our less H.R. Giger themed world.

Also something about a ring toss game and Heeeeeeeeey, ya missed pal.
 

PixelGrip94

Games, Movies, Music, & Ponies!
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Wow! This thread got some welcome traction! Lemme try another one. Here goes:

An ominous and almighty entity tricks you into riding on a horse for multiple sets of several hours to destroy creatures as payment for bringing your girlfriend back to life.
 

Laurel Crown

Leader of the Proud Nation of Velvetia
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Wow! This thread got some welcome traction! Lemme try another one. Here goes:

An ominous and almighty entity tricks you into riding on a horse for multiple sets of several hours to destroy creatures as payment for bringing your girlfriend back to life.
Shadow of the Colossus
 

Sutekh94

Veteran of being taken over by robots or something
Crowdfund Backer
Local man goes around trying to find out who murdered his girlfriend, accidentally finds himself trying to stop the alternate evil side of the world from taking over our less H.R. Giger themed world.

Also something about a ring toss game and Heeeeeeeeey, ya missed pal.
Darkseed?
 
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Killer Beast

Kept you waiting, huh?
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You're a dude that breaks into people's homes to steal shit, because you need to make your rent for your landlord. You're so good at stealing that you even get hired by, essentially, a god in disguise. Later on, you :bark::bark::bark::bark: the god up with your stealing abilities.
 

The Skullivan

That guy what with the ponies
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Another good game is the one where you think you're going to have a fun time at summer camp, but wind up at the dentist's office instead.
 

Avering

Pew-Pew
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You're a student trapped in an academy with other 15 students and forced to partecipate into a Battle Royale with trials à la Phoenix Wright
Oh, jolly, I only watched the anime, but it was awesome (and kind of insane, but hey, japanese stories)

You are the employee of a giant mega-corporation, and your only job is to carry all kind of smudge to pipes.

This can be said for more than one game, but here it goes: The lazy devs only built a big-arse map for you to take your mind off the forgettable stories, and gave you a bunch of sidequests to distract you until the modders complete the game for them
 

Killer Beast

Kept you waiting, huh?
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Oh, jolly, I only watched the anime, but it was awesome (and kind of insane, but hey, japanese stories)

You are the employee of a giant mega-corporation, and your only job is to carry all kind of smudge to pipes.

This can be said for more than one game, but here it goes: The lazy devs only built a big-arse map for you to take your mind off the forgettable stories, and gave you a bunch of sidequests to distract you until the modders complete the game for them
For that last bit, is it Fallout 4?
 

LLHero25

Master of Illogical Logic
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A super serious female soldier with pink hair and a attitude goes on an adventure with a whiny kid, a perky kid, a black guy, a stupid guy, and a sexy woman to save their world after being branded by evil gods to destroy it. Followed by a game about her sister and a game where she is just super edgy.
 

Solar Cloud

The Glue Factory's Cloud artist extraordinaire
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Feb 3, 2016
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A super serious female soldier with pink hair and a attitude goes on an adventure with a whiny kid, a perky kid, a black guy, a stupid guy, and a sexy woman to save their world after being branded by evil gods to destroy it. Followed by a game about her sister and a game where she is just super edgy.
Final Fantasy XIII and its sequels.

In this game, you play as a guy who lost his memory(like that hasn't been done before). He is accompanied by a creature who, I swear, sucks helium before she talks and a talking sword. You are on a quest to stop someone from taking over the world.(OF COURSE!!!!) The creature would be useless if she didn't add to your combat abilities.
 
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PixelGrip94

Games, Movies, Music, & Ponies!
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You ignore the multiple choices of blatantly racist stereotypes to play as one of 2-5 variants of the same guy and proceed to win every match by spamming the same move over and over again until your opponent attempts to dodge it, leaving them wide open to get the crap kicked out of them; rinse and repeat.
 

Avering

Pew-Pew
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You do stuff in space. And you are the one who have to make up the story, because the devs didn't bother making an actual storyline.
 

Avering

Pew-Pew
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Elite: Dangerous?
Eeeeeeyup. My favourite to boot.

You fly a fighter alone against half of a star system, because some generic evil corporation found something dangerous and wants to kill you for some reason. Then everyone backstabs you, because reasons. And you will never know what the hell is going on unless you find glowing blue cubes, that drop from a certain generic enemy hidden in a mass of other generic enemies that try to kill you by ramming you usually.
 

Killer Beast

Kept you waiting, huh?
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Eeeeeeyup. My favourite to boot.

You fly a fighter alone against half of a star system, because some generic evil corporation found something dangerous and wants to kill you for some reason. Then everyone backstabs you, because reasons. And you will never know what the hell is going on unless you find glowing blue cubes, that drop from a certain generic enemy hidden in a mass of other generic enemies that try to kill you by ramming you usually.
I'm more of a new player, but I definitely found it fun. Though, to be fair, I haven't touched the game in a while. I'm losing a bit of steam as to my liking of it, since I just got a new ship and it just felt like... "Well, guess I'll have to do the same missions, grind for some money to make this ship better... again."
 

Rocketknightgeek

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A conditionally immortal being trashes a slave army of robots with no trouble whatsoever then is ultimately undone by a large barrel and the arbitrary judgement of time.

A smart mouthed man in a singlet shoots the same 10 enemies about 30,000 times each.
 
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Proxyvirus

That Dragonshy Person
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The game I'm currently playing involves being put in charge of a village where everyone is the village idiot. The most exciting part is paying off your mortgage.
ACNL(?)

You are a human, you see a creature. You kill it and make protective wear and a better " sense talkin stick". Now you use new gear to annihilate bigger creatures; rinse and repeat~. Oh, you also bring your pet, cat along with you.
 

LLHero25

Master of Illogical Logic
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Feb 4, 2016
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Bowie, MD
You are a human, you see a creature. You kill it and make protective wear and a better " sense talkin stick". Now you use new gear to annihilate bigger creatures; rinse and repeat~. Oh, you also bring your pet, cat along with you.
Ah Monster Hunter. Never have I been so happy to get mauled to death by large vicious creatures. Then exact my revenge while wearing their family as armor.

Your a character who finds himself in a cave. You stea- I mean, acquire a gun and fall into a village of bunny people who you learn are being taken by a evil doctor with a demonic crown and a sinister plan. Its up to you to fight through caves of monsters in order to stop this wicked man and learn who you are along the way.
 

Avering

Pew-Pew
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Alleged "team" game, where everyone you play with refuses to speak english, then immediately starts blaming/raging at each other when you inevitably lose. (P.s. I actually hate this game :D)
 

Solar Cloud

The Glue Factory's Cloud artist extraordinaire
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Feb 3, 2016
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Sorta' sounds like a couple of different games, but mostly like Dust: An Elysian Tale. I can't stand that freakin' squirrel-bat thing.
We have a winner.

A hot half breed, who likes to whip her hair back and forth, uses sexy dances to transform into animals to take down an equally hot pirate.
 
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Stridershy

The King Of Goat Style
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Any MOBA ever.



Another game series I've never really played, and one I only marginally understand the appeal of...Shantae.

If the hero's name isn't bro enough for you, you can always get your fix with his buddy, a blue-collar stereotype who talks as if he's got his beer hat on half the time, and talk he does. He's basically your Navi in this game series, and just as annoying...you can't hardly jump off your home building without him squawking at you. Speaking of jumping off buildings, this is one of those games that likes to think it's all "parkour" beneath the superpowers, justifying the protagonist's insane pre-powers maneuverability by giving him a less-than-electrifiying origin story as some sort of mail carrier. Right...because UPS guys pull off Spider-Man routines all the time on their delivery routes. Speaking of superpowers, this game stretches the utility of the hero's central ability to the point where you'll need a straight C&D for your belief, rather than just a suspension. The game continues to suck the energy out of the room by pulling that hackneyed old "good/bad" karmic actions shtick, such that half your abilities aren't even unlockable on your initial playthrough. I'll take my chances with a cole day in Hell and the Beast himself before playing anymore of this shockingly stupid series.

Uh......
 

Galaxy Heart

Caffeine-Based Life Form
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Down the ne'er-do-well.
If the hero's name isn't bro enough for you, you can always get your fix with his buddy, a blue-collar stereotype who talks as if he's got his beer hat on half the time, and talk he does. He's basically your Navi in this game series, and just as annoying...you can't hardly jump off your home building without him squawking at you. Speaking of jumping off buildings, this is one of those games that likes to think it's all "parkour" beneath the superpowers, justifying the protagonist's insane pre-powers maneuverability by giving him a less-than-electrifiying origin story as some sort of mail carrier. Right...because UPS guys pull off Spider-Man routines all the time on their delivery routes. This game's definitely about the superpowers all right, though it stretches the utility of the hero's central ability to the point where you'll need a straight C&D for your disbelief, rather than just a suspension. The game continues to suck the energy out of the room by pulling that hackneyed old "good/bad" karmic actions shtick, such that half your abilities aren't even unlockable on your initial playthrough. I'll take my chances with a cole day in Hell and the Beast himself before playing anymore of this shockingly stupid series.
Careful with that kinda talk, it'll make you pretty infamous around these parts.

A wholly unoriginal design that's been done in way too many games and continues to do so, you play as a comparable midget to the rest of your fully-grown peers. They're inexplicably taken out of action and of course, it's your job to rescue them and collect everything that was stolen from your people. The enemies all look pretty much the same and can be taken out in the same way. The bosses are also largely irrelevant because they run away from you most of the time.
After you rescue the first of your people (almost immediately), they just disappear and don't help you. At all. In fact, none of the 80 of them that you have to rescue help you. They're also all male. Not a woman in sight, kinda insulting.

After completing the game by rescuing all 80 of your friends, collecting all 12,000 useless items, the only reward you're given is to fly around a very small area and collect shiny things. I can't believe they sell this garbage on the PSN store.
 

Galaxy Heart

Caffeine-Based Life Form
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Feb 3, 2016
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Down the ne'er-do-well.
Man, that game sounds like COMPLETE garbage. It's enough to make me go full spyro and wanna' torch Sony to the ground. Just thinking about how bad that sounds makes me wonder if I'll even get any sleep tonight, and I can NOT afford to become an insomniac.
I hope your Rage doesn't keep you up. We've gotta have someone open the gateway to Glimmer because our previous guy won't work this year. Something about it not being the year of the dragon anymore.

Speaking of rage, another one that really gets me going is this one... it's so widely available and liked, it makes me gag because it's so popular.
First off, it's way too hard because the enemies are so overpowered. You die in one hit and most of them are really quick, some even have guns; and to make it unfair, you have to kill every single one on that floor to move on. The art direction is so disgusting as well. Everything, even the cutscenes are done from the garbage camera angle that the gameplay is done from, top down. The only things that AREN'T top down are the character's heads the float when they talk, like this was supposed to be some artistic choice.

The story is basically non-existent, you go around and kill things. There's probably like, 5 "characters" and I use that term loosely, because you don't ever learn their names. The only people's names you learn, you have to guess, because the main character is equally as bad. He's essentially a personality-devoid mass murderer that wears a different animal mask; and the devs had the nerve to name the masks, like it would make him a different character.
The only time you actually get to play a different "character" to the one you're playing, it's not even part of the main story, it's an alternate reality. They were so bad at writing, they had to have all the mysterious solved through alternate timelines.

To top the final thing on the cake, the name of the game is completely irrelevant to the actual plot. It tries to be "clever" by hiding the true messages of the main characters in "cryptic" phone messages, but that's not the point of the title, in fact, it's the opposite. I bought this game on Steam and PSN and highly regret it. I hear tell it's on the Vita as well. And don't even get me started on how it got a sequel.
 

Stridershy

The King Of Goat Style
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Fighters from all over the world fight to the death because Lo Pan--I think its Lo Pan, brought a four armed Brock Lesnar to screw everything up for everyone so his evil emperor can take over the world. Its up to Bruce Lee, Jean Claude Van Damme, Fire Man and Ice Man, Australian Terminator, Japanese Thor, and that one chick from Alien(?) to save the world.
 

AirSonance

"My heals are here for you!"
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Feb 3, 2016
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Many characters from multiple realities, some well-known and some obscenely obscure, congregate together to senselessly beat the ever living crap out of each other. Heck, they don't even die. They just end up tossed off the side of whatever location they happen to be fighting on at the time.

You play as one of nine lunatics that kill people in order to sit on an objective for anywhere from five to fifteen minutes at a time. Meanwhile, the game itself proceeds to screw you out of anything and everything you worked for all for the sake of "balance," and everyone with more than two weeks worth of play time develops a selective compulsive hoarding syndrome for virtual clothing.
 

Avering

Pew-Pew
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Hat simulator 2!!!

A totally unoriginal rendition of Jules Verne's "Around the World in Eighty Days", where your only job is to chose which type of vehicle you want to sit on.
 

OCisbestungulate

Always watching you
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Feb 3, 2016
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behind your curtains
Okay, so, I played this one game. And first off, it CLAIMS to be an RPG. But apparently THERE'S NO CENTRAL STORY. Instead, some genius decided that rather then have a central story line, you'd have to pick from like 5 or 6 different main characters. There was like this dude with spiky blue hair, some chick with like blue or purple hair, a robot I think, and come racoon lookin' thing I don't know. They all looked really bad and they were all sitting around this dumb lake/fountain/water something. So, whatever. I pick the spiky blue one 'cause he was doing karate chops or some dumb thing. And like, the game starts, and there's no name screen or anything like that. I can't even name myself. Whatever. So, like, I'm in this car with what I'm guessing is by dad, talking about this crazy dude when all of a sudden this big blue thing lands on it and apparently kills my dad but not me. So, like, I guess I decided to walk home or something? I don't know, all I know is next thing I know I'm walking up to this mansion that's on fire and this dude (who's totally Not-Shredder) is standing in front of it with a bunch of puddies from Power Rangers talking about how he like, took my mom's and sister's (I have a mom and sister?) brains or something? Whatever. So I fight the guy and he straight-up murders me (it was one of THOSE fights. You know the kind), and then, at the last second, a Super Hero jumps in to save me. I kid you not. And then, he freaking turns me into one! WHAT THE FREAK? Whatever. So, I'm like, screw this, I'm picking someone else.

So I pick the chick with purple hair. And like, things get weird right off the bat. Apparently I start in like this vampire/elf/Versailles castle like-thing that has freaking roses every freaking where. And then there are like all of these nobles who are talking all cryptic like and teleporting all over the place, and apparently the head guy had like these spinning things attached to his head? Whatever. I get freaking lost in not-Versailles, and end up in this freakin flower garden where I get stabbed through the chest, but somehow survive because apparently I have purple blood or some dumb thing like that. Whatever. It was stupid. So I reset and figured I'd pick one last guy.

So I picked the robot. First off, this thing looked really bad. But whatever. So, it starts off all cryptic in a spaceship? It crashes or something and the next thing I know I see this kid digging through piles of rusty machinery (good idea, PARENTS, just let your kid dig through rusty metal!) and I'm guessing he finds me? I guess? And apparently brings me to his ... Uncle Taco ... who is apparently an ... octopus. I CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP. And apparently this octo-uncle (I should point out that the kid who I'm guessing found me was, or at least looked, human), built me. So he asks the kid what he's gonna call me, and then guess what? NAMING SCREEN! OH GOODY, I FINALLY GET TO NAME MYSELF. So I name myself THIS GAME IS DUMB, except that it didn't have enough room so it came out as THIS GAM.

And don't even get me started on the combat system. Apparently it's got this combo system? But it never tells you about it? It just kinda happens, a lot. I don't know. Yeah, this game was pretty freaking trash. I tossed it out and got a real game. Specifically I picked up FF7 'cause it came out around the same time, and was made by the same company.

So, yeah. -5/10, would never touch again, except to set on fire.

SaGa Frontier for the PSX
 

Leatherface

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Man spends 3 months protecting a 9-year old girl in the zombie apocalypse, only to get get infected in the end and leave her surrounded by zombies.
 

Proxyvirus

That Dragonshy Person
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Feb 4, 2016
51
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Austin, TX
Dead rising 2 ( Does that happens? :< )

The fighters in this game show no mercy, and neither do you. You raise hell as you beat the shit out of any thugs that crosses your path to find the kidnapped member; why? cause you were hired for it.
 

RustleRustle

Sunbreaker Titan, Fireteam "Ad Mare Cognitum III"
Mar 31, 2016
76
199
European Dead Zone, Earth
There's this multiplayer-only FPS that doesn't bother with story. Sure, there's a campaign, but people usually ignore it and jump into TDM.
So you're this super soldier with a jetpack and extensive knowledge of parkour, and you fight as a member of the local militia, or a mining mega-corp that for some reason has access to military hardware. Don't ask if you can choose, 'cause you can't. It's random.
Anyway, you can deploy giant robots on the map that you can pilot or let fight for you. You also have cards you can use that gives you a number of useful things.

It's a good game now, and its DLC is free, but when it first came out, it had six gamemodes. Six. And it didn't have private lobbies.
Shame, would've been nice if it released with all of that, but the publisher decided ME WANT MONEY NOW.
 

Whitetail

Mane6 Dev
Mane6 Developer
Feb 3, 2016
122
121
soundcloud.com
There's this multiplayer-only FPS that doesn't bother with story. Sure, there's a campaign, but people usually ignore it and jump into TDM.
So you're this super soldier with a jetpack and extensive knowledge of parkour, and you fight as a member of the local militia, or a mining mega-corp that for some reason has access to military hardware. Don't ask if you can choose, 'cause you can't. It's random.
I honestly thought this was Splatoon until like halfway in
 

TigerKirby215

I should be doing work right now
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Mar 29, 2016
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A game where your put on a team with 4 morons who generally don't speak your language, and will always flip their shit whenever you request anything that may help lead your team to victory, do something poorly, do something well, or do something in general, or heck, even if you don't do anything. And while you desperately mash buttons as if you're trying to play this on your keyboard, the rest of your team is content to never do anything right, even though it's literally as simple as simple as right-clicking something, and then make up some dumb excuse for why they did so poorly like "I lost interest because you sound like a girl." By the way I'm not kidding that actually :bark::bark::bark::bark:ing happened to me. (Don't click if you want to keep guessing)
And while the rest of your team is faffing about, clicking on NPC units even though killing players is way more rewarding, you get killed by the entire enemy team over and over again, because even though you blow all your spare cash on having a tiny bit of insight into where the enemy is, you can't do jack because your entire :bark::bark::bark::bark:ing team is on the opposite side of the damn map, losing all their cash as they die AGAIN...

DOTA 2
It's not a game of skill. It's a game of lack of skill.
The team with the least morons wins.

And I love it.
 

Saki

Spirit of a Pro Gamer
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Feb 3, 2016
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Press buttons in a predetermined order and make sure your character is standing juuuuuuust right to let you win. The inputs are infuriating online because you can't move your stick and buttons with the lang, and when you win, the other guy ragequits and you get nothing.
 

Whitetail

Mane6 Dev
Mane6 Developer
Feb 3, 2016
122
121
soundcloud.com
A game where your put on a team with 4 morons who generally don't speak your language, and will always flip their shit whenever you request anything that may help lead your team to victory, do something poorly, do something well, or do something in general, or heck, even if you don't d
Moba players are so aggressive over the littlest things they make approaching the games near impossible. I was hoping the jump to like... actual full games now and not just mods for other things would help open it up to more people but even though the playerbase is bigger the aggression is no lighter than the wc3 days where you couldn't find a single game hosted that didn't read something like "_____ Allstars - Banlist - No Noobs - No homophobicslurhere"
 
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